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October 22nd, 2004

02:54 pm Has it been long since I last posted? Yes it has. I guess there really isn't much going on in my life. Everything is well... work sucks like usual, bf is still amazing even after all these years and the world is falling apart. The only thing that I can see that has changed since the last time I posted is my attitude towards people. I don't have any. I don't care. After coming back from Europe I've realized that I don't give a shit about what people think. Am I to cater to their lives and what they feel is the right way to think? Hell no. So I guess that's why I've been a bit more of a hermit lately and been hiding away in my room calculating the amount of days it takes to get rid of all my friends. I kid... kind of. The upcoming election is scaring me. I'm nervous beyond belief because all the Kerry supporters I talk to have this confidence that he's going to win and that goes for the Bush supporters. I don't like how it's this tight of a race. I don't like how Bush uses religion to manipulate the vote. I don't like Kerry that much either but I like him more than Bush... sad to say but I think I would like Iran's Ayatollah more than Bush. I can't believe I'm being asked to vote the best of two evils yet again. I feel old... Current Mood: nervous Current Music: Rachael Yamagata- Worn me down

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May 18th, 2004

02:58 pm - beyond pain and happiness lately i've been wondering... can i truly deal with myself in pain? do i try to find something to numb it, hide it away so i can take it out little by little on rainy days? rationing out pieces of pain doesn't sound very appealing... would i break if all that pain were allowed to just come out. maybe this is why i'm such a bitter little girl sitting in the rain =P la dee da... Current Mood: amused Current Music: Take Me Out- Franz Ferdinand and Postal Service

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April 27th, 2004

10:12 am - away.... far away in the land of kirkland i am sitting at my messy and rearranged desk. i have a total of 15 boxes in front and will be recieving 12 more. then maybe i could get some peace and quiet watching sailor moon behind boxes (where they can't see me!!!) anyways, this is going to be quick and short as i am already quite tired from having been at the firm since 7am. 3 hours i tell you.... 3 hours. anyways, i'll write again soon. promise Current Mood: sleepy

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April 8th, 2004

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April 7th, 2004

02:44 pm - my friend.... are you gay? ok. i get it. and soon all the girls that once knew you will know. last night really opened up my eyes. i can't believe i can choose to be so blind to something i'm sure everyone must have seen. too bad for the girls because you are a hottie... although i've always seen you as the guy who i took to spring dance because billy said no... ha ha ha, what a friend you were. gave my mom a chocolate rose and got me a sweet stuffed animal seal (which i still treasure). i was your asian girl (well so was duri) and we had such wonderful talks of sailor moon. maybe i should have seen it when you were into sailor moon as much as i was... maybe... but it doesn't matter now. i won't ask but i wish i knew for certain. i guess we all wondered when you were going to come out, but i think i chose to stay in the dark about it. sometimes the darkness works for us. i think it worked for me. too late now to go back. oh and i have yet to hear from 7 of the 9 schools i have applied to. this worries me. i don't think i'm going to get into any schools. i've been waitlisted, but that means nothing... not anymore when i know how bad the competition really is... mike do you read this? does anyone except for maria read this? although i love people not knowing, it's nice that someone knows.... Current Mood: nervous

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April 2nd, 2004

10:00 am - the miracle of...... GOVESNOT! ok, no one is going to understand this mainly because this entry is based on an old memory of elementary school. what a weird memory. back in elementary school you could say that i was "popular". i was always invited out to the best birthdays, i had the prettiest friends, the best presents for my birthday and Gap clothes (yup, didn't take much to be popular at my school). HOWEVER, i was the BIGGEST tom boy.. in 3rd grade i had my first black eye and all because i kicked some boy named petra in the shins... what a baby. i think i was popular because i protected all the girls from the guys. you may call this sexist, but at our school we had a boys tower and a girls tower and either gender was not allowed on the other gender's tower (this was strictly enforced). So we would have these "missions" where the girls would try to agitate the boys and then run to our haven. i was always the last one on the tower, not for lack of running muscles, but because i was the blocker between the girls and the boys. now please, i was not a heffer when i was young. heck people thought i was starved as a child because of my frail looking body. so i was the one who would be last on the tower kicking behind me in the hopes of clocking one of the boys in the jaw for their stupidness of "touching" our tower. wow... those were the days. i think some of that mentality has rubbed off on me as an adult. "BOYS ARE STUPID, THROW ROCKS AT THEM" one of my favorite sayings, one that rings true in my head. well random babblings are over with and i shall once again rejoin the drones at work.... to do some.... work. yeah, work. (shoot me now please) Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: watching SAILOR MOON oh yeah!

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March 26th, 2004

10:34 am - once in a blue moon.... i guess xanga is tiring me out. too many people know it and think it is a serious reflection of who i am while the purpose of xanga for me is just to spew stupid thoughts out of my head to allow the reasonable ones room to grow. live journal could be my... hide out? kind of like the days i sat in my treehouse reading and just soaking in the fall air. how i miss those days of youthful bliss... who the hell says i can't have that now? oh yeah, i'm an "adult" with "responsibilities" *gasp* when did this happen? how can i back pedal? oh right, you can't backpedal, and this headache in your neck and temples won't just go away by wishing. damn, life becomes jaded as time goes by. am i babbling? oh yeah, i am... i always babble and i always sound so unintelligent. maybe i am, and will just have to accept that i will never rise above a 3rd grader. eh, who cares? because i sure as hell don't. sometimes i wonder what my life would have been like if i had somehow stayed with my first love. he's married now. just this year he got married and he didn't even invite me. but that's understandable because when he first started to date his now wife, i remember seeing her picture and telling him that she wasn't that pretty. now was that jealousy in my comment or just plain stupidity. i plead both. maybe i just got annoyed with him constantly comparing me to her and how we sounded alike on the phone. Hell, his girlfriend right after me had MY birthday. i can understand that he just didn't want to deal although we were such good friends... life is good now though so i won't wander into every scenerio that might have been. time for me to sign off. i've been "writing" this for the past 3 hours now. Current Mood: exhausted

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January 23rd, 2004

05:03 pm - in love with britney spears yes, i hate to admit it but i now want to be britney spears after that wonderful music video Toxic. yup, those are my thoughts of the day.... Current Mood: anxious Current Music: toxic- britney spears

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January 9th, 2004

10:16 am - still a xanga whore today i want to discuss 3 things. 1. anorexia 2. going out on a thursday night 3. stupid things guys say 1. for one day i knew how it felt to be a one-day anorexic. i consumed 2 hot chocolates, a bag of chips and a bowl of cereal all day. although to many this is not true anorexia, it was close enough for me. after that one day of "anorexia", not only was my stomach eating iself, but i had this hard to ignore desire to eat my hair. never again. 2. so i get a call... "we're going to the Apartment, wanna come?" i thought, hey if they go now which was 10pm, i can just walk home (4 blocks away basically) and come home by 11:30 and actually get some sleep. nope didn't happen. went at 11:30. didn't drink so that didn't make things better. and i stayed out until 2 in the AM! i am paying right now. and tonight i'm going out and tomorrow going out with high school friends... agh, i'm going to be a wreck. a wreck on drugs. ha ha ha.... *sigh* 3. stupid conversation me: uh i've seen you before, you look really familiar **uhm no, this is not me trying to use a pick up line** him: yeah, i got that feeling too (we both look at Roy) me: well could it be when i was a senior in H.S. you were visiting roy's bro when i was visiting him? him: OH shit that could be it! (Silence, well not really since the music was playing) him: well you're a lot prettier now. me: oing? him: i mean, oh shit... when i saw you then i don't think.... fuck. Did you wear make-up then?.... me: OING? him: oh shit.... me: i always wore make-up the way i do now.... just eye liner and a little bit of concealer. him: oh.... fuck, i guess you weren't wearing any when i saw you.... shit i mean. me: you suck. well that's it for the day. i actually have work to do.... oh and i want to mention that the triplets of belleville is one of the most interesting films i've watched this year (want to see it again) and i think today i'm going to go to sleep in the bathroom. bye! Current Mood: groggy Current Music: the hum of the air in the office of hell

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January 7th, 2004

01:25 pm - hump day i shouldn't be online in general at work. i end up screwing around and skipping lunch out of guilt. so i have realized that without maria i really have no excuse to go wandering around every once in awhile on 60. there's no one really no one willing to talk with me so i end up at my desk on aim and chatting with randoms from there... *sigh* what an existence. OH and i need to finish those apps. Damn writing. Maria, if you are reading this, you need to help me out on one of my essays. I swear it sucks beyond belief both grammatically and content.... sucks too. i think for dinner tomorrow you can help me out... right??? well back off to the world of concordance and pleadings. Current Mood: disappointed

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December 31st, 2003

12:25 pm - to new beginnings 2004, the new year tomorrow.... wonder what kind of things i'll accomplish, what mistakes i won't regret... Current Mood: blah

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